Perhaps I should preface this post by saying that for the record that I am not in fact a troll. That being said, I spend more than my fair share of time on the internet and have seen lots of them around. The sad truth is that there are some individuals out there who don't just enjoy winding up people on this web of ours - it's their chosen way of life! Using every known disruptive trick in the book, these troublesome types don't go out to the pub, meet members of the opposite sex or enjoy life. These basement dwellers’ sole purpose in life is to agitate, exasperate and irritate the rest of us. They spend their time hunched over their computers trolling. For those not familiar with this term, perhaps I should explain.
The object of this post is to define what exactly a troll is, and perhaps give you the tools needed to become a successful one – should you choose. So, let’s start at the beginning: What is a troll?
troll v.,n. To utter a posting on the internet designed to attract predictable responses or flames. Derives from the phrase "trolling"; a style of fishing in which one trails bait through a likely spot hoping for a bite.
The well-constructed troll is a post that induces others to make themselves look even more clueless than they already do, while subtly conveying to the more savvy and experienced that it is in fact a deliberate troll. If you don't fall for the joke, you get to be in on it.
So, how to troll? I present this only because I believe that the troll does in fact provide a valuable service – an argument that I’m certain will be refuted by some. I have seen a troll open up an intellectual and passionate discussion on more than one occasion, even if this was not their goal. The successful troll must spend time carefully choosing the right subject and delivering it at the right place. With trolls, delivery is just as important as the subject. Although when it comes to subject it’s hard to miss with the big three: sex, money and religion – not necessarily in that order.
Start the troll in a reasonable and erudite manner. You have to engage your readers' interest and more importantly, draw them in. In fact, the best way to start may be simply to point to the typos of a previous poster, along with some vague statement about the logic of their post. Never give too much away at the start - although a brief abstract with hints of what's to come can work wonders. Did you get a response? Great – its time to kick it up a notch. A good rule of thumb is that as your troll becomes more and more ludicrous put extra effort into the presentation - this keeps the reader confused and increasingly irate. Let confusion and chaos be your mantra. Outwardly you need to appear sincere, although in the more pathetic cases this may actually be the case – nut these people are not a real troll, so let’s move on.
The three most important rules: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION! Choice of where to post is as important as the subject, tone and structure of the troll. It goes without saying that your anti-fur rant is not going to get much play on a PETA forum – be creative! Find a site that is only marginally related to your topic and work from there. You need the marks to be passionate about the subject, but try not to bring the fight right to their backyard. The people who are going to get the maximum enjoyment out of your post are other trolls and unless you already know where to find them then numbers become your best friends. You need to throw a wide as net as possible so go where others go – posting to a site where only a handful of people will see it is just wasting the time of everyone involved. Once you have selected your spot, research your targets and learn what their arguments are. Then avoid those arguments like the plague. Drag them off-topic - the further off-topic the better. Remember, you are trying to waste their time.
As a result, try not to follow-up to your own troll. The troll itself quickly becomes forgotten in the chaos and if you just sit back you can avoid being blamed for causing it. Remember, if you do follow up you are talking to an idiot. Treat them with the ill-respect they deserve. How dare other people take your post at face value? You should also learn to recognise follow-ups from your fellow trolls. Sometimes an average troll can be elevated into majestic proportions when several trolls spontaneously join forces via the medium of the follow up troll. Ignore cries of wasted bandwidth! This is pure drivel that will always be posted by the anti-troll lobby.
Alright, well that’s enough for now. I can now sleep better tonight knowing that I’ve done my part to educate the next generation of internet entertainers. Good luck my little soldiers – oh, and before I forget, your mother is a whore.
CHEERS!
